so im in the mood to write something in here.
sebenernya sih bakalan nyampah dengan curhatan gak jelas dan lo juga bakalan bosan dengan celotehan gue but pls i need someone to listen, okay you must be read this not listen to this but yea i need someone to share something, i must be soooo cerewet pls jangan bosan dengan kecerewetan gue yang kadang nggak penting, HAHAHA
so it's been months since i graduated and it feels like so long, actually too long for me, and i feel like everything was changed by the time, and when i realized it's not taking a year to make some changes, it just takes some months and it's killing me slowly.
sebenernya bingung sih makin ke sini makin nggak jelas gue kepengen apa gue mau jadi apa gue akan ngelakuin apa ke depan, kaya gue masih ngejalanin aja apa yang ada, sebenernya gue nggak stuck di satu tempat, im moving forward but when i realized i just force myself to walk, gue nggak jalan karena keinginan gue tapi karena gue yang maksa diri gue buat jalan karena ada satu hal yang memaksa gue buat jalan, is it good or bad?
gue makin ke sini makin bertanya-tanya sama diri gue apa sih yang sekarang gue cari? apa sih motif gue buat jalanin ini?
Lately ive been worrying bout something that i didnt know why am i worrying bout, wkwkw rada aneh sih karena gue sendiri bingung kenapa diri gue merasa worry. Well, kemaren abis jalan ceritanya sama gisel hari Jumat kita ke kober terus biasa lah nongkrong di kfc smp capek, terus ya seperti biasa kalo sama gue pasti ada aja terselip pembicaraan nggak jelas dan sedikit mendalam terus gisel bilang sama gue intinya sih "kalo lo udah pernah ngerasain yang namanya jatoh, lo nggak akan ngerasa sakit banget di saat nanti lo ngalamin jatoh untuk kedua kalinya" it was so deep actually for me, but yea im only human lah kata2 itu nyangkut di otak tapi i didnt do anything to make those words become motivation, it just stucked in my head sooo what ive planned in this holiday didnt work as well as i imagined, sebenernya gue tuh pengen nyicil belajar tapi malah leyeh2 gak jelas nonton film dan do so many things that yea well it's not necessary. mostly i use my time to sleep ok then im just a sleepyhead.
i have some plans in this year but idk im worrying those plan didnt work as good as i planned it, actually im worrying bout future,i just realized it. Gue takut buat berkhayal tentang masa depan yang gue nggak tau pasti apa yang akan terjadi, gue takut sama harapan-harapan gue karena gue takut kalo itu cuma sekedar harapan kosong yang gue gantungin biar gue bisa maju ke depan, yang gue bilang di awal kalo gue nggak tau apa yang gue jalanin sekarang, mungkin gue jalanin sekarang dengan rasa yang tidak ikhlas, ok gue baru menyadari beberapa hal saat nulis ini, lol it helps me to find out what was happened to me. gue takut berharap ketinggian sama mimpi gue, gue takut kalo sebenrnya mimpi gue itu cuma sekedar mimpi and yea i know i have to make some efforts to realize it but i doubt in myself that's the problem, ok im just soooo stupid as hell.
Sekarang lagi ngerasa kosong banget entah kenapa kaya nggak ada motivasi buat jalanin hari esok, gue nggak tau apa yang lagi gue jalanin apa gue fokus atau nggak rasanya terlalu banyak beban yang gue pendem sendiri dan gue gatau kenapa sulit buat gue ngungkapin apa yang sebenernya terjadi, gue lebih banyak mikirin gimana perasaan orang lain daripada perasaan gue sendiri, gue lebih milih buat bikin diri gue sakit dibanding bikin orang lain sakit.
